Why It’s Crucial To Get To Know Yourself Before Dating Anyone

Let’s get a bit candid this time around, shall we? 

I can’t speak for every single man or woman but, as a person who is single, anytime I get together with my girlfriends for drinks or whatnot the conversation normally starts with one of the following: soooo…have you been seeing anyone lately? You’re not getting any younger, when are you gonna settle down? I know this great single guy, can I set you up on a date with him? You’re a smart and attractive woman and you have a good heart, why are you still single? … Oh and my personal favorite from my sister Rachel: “Your standards are too high TiCa. You have to be less picky if you want to find a good man.” At first I used to get annoyed, but overtime I learned to laugh and joke about it before changing the subject to something more interesting. 

I know my sister and my friends love me and they only want what’s best for me. I also know above all they want me to be happy. Well, newsflash ladies: I am not unhappy! Even though I never thought I’d be riding solo at this stage in my life, I must say being single isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Actually, I think I enjoy it very much. 

Don’t get me wrong, I do feel lonely every now and then. Like most people I do want to have that special someone with whom I can have the most loving, exhilarating and rewarding experience; but I can never prioritize that over myself. As eyebrow raising as this may sound, I firmly believe becoming single after being in a longterm relationship—albeit sudden and unexpected—was necessary for my evolvement as an individual and as a woman. Here’s why. 

Being single has put me on this amazing self-discovery path that I feel very blessed to travel. I find when you spend time alone with yourself you become self aware and you’re able to embrace your full identity. You also understand the value of time and effort enough to not waste them on people who cannot appreciate them.  And that, my friend, is part of what they call “growth.” I also find there is an inherent power in knowing who you are, what you want in life, what you want in a relationship, and the qualities you want in a partner. 

In the past I used to date mainly because I thought that was what single people were supposed to do — date until they find someone to settle down with. Although dating can be fun for the most part, I have never been a big fan. Going on dates with total strangers can sometimes be daunting; it can even make some people feel inadequate and uncomfortable…at least that’s my experience with it. Maybe I had a hard time with dating because I was too focused on putting up a good front, for the sole purpose of being liked and wanted, instead of being myself and finding out if the person I was trying to impress was actually right for me. That’s probably why I made many mistakes too. I didn’t know myself well enough to know what I truly wanted. I now understand the importance of being cognizant of the fact that not knowing exactly what I want in a relationship and in a partner is a recipe for misery and failed relationships.

To be clear, knowing yourself doesn’t mean you have your life perfectly planned out. That can never be possible because there are way too many variables at play. In this case it simply means having a deeper relationship with yourself so you are able to set a stronger foundation for all of your interactions and relationships with other people. It’s all about accepting yourself and loving yourself with all your imperfections and shortcomings. When you know how to love yourself you also know how to love and appreciate others. Also…

• You understand that your very first responsibility is to yourself

• You gain true confidence

• You know what makes you happy so you don’t have to rely on someone else for happiness

• You know your values and what you’re willing to tolerate

• You start a relationship for the right reasons and not because you don’t want to be alone 

• You have a clear understanding of the qualities you want in a partner

• You are able to trust your intuition to know when to stay in a relationship and when to walk away

• You are able to make better life choices

• You know what it truly means to love someone other than yourself 

• You are better prepared and will likely succeed in your next relationship

Love always,

/Carli