Love and light to all of you!
When I decided to make this blog public I did say I’d be raw and vulnerable. The content in this post is very personal to me. It’s about a chapter in my life (maybe a little dark) which made a huge contribution to the individual I am today.
I grew up in a family where the word ‘love’ was never part of the regular vocabulary we used to communicate with one another. We were a family but I don’t think we knew how to function as a unit. My father was often there but it’s almost like he was invisible. My mother on the other hand wasn’t always there, but the fear my siblings and I had of her remained even during her absence. I never felt loved by my parents no matter how good I tried to be in order to earn their love. I learned about phrases such as ‘I love you,’ ’I support you,’ ’I’m here for you,’ and ‘hug me’ while reading romantic novels as a teenager. I didn’t really know what they meant, but I knew I loved how they made me feel. And the way the characters in the novels reacted to them incited the desire in me to be loved even more.
Maybe my parents did love me and my siblings. It’s possible they just didn’t know how to show it. Yes, we had a roof over our heads, we had clothes on our backs and we were fed three times a day; but we were also yelled at and beaten often (not spanked, beaten)…me more so than the others it seemed. To me it looked like repeatedly slapping me and hitting me anywhere on my body with a belt, an extension cord, a stick, a wooden brush, a shoe, or anything else she could get her hands on was my mother’s favorite exercise. Her tone when she addressed me was always hurtful and critical with the intent to demean. I swear a few times while she was beating me I caught a glimpse of pleasure in her eyes. So whenever I felt unloved I’d go hide some place, open a harlequin book and let myself get transported into a world where love and romance thrived and every sad story had a happy ending.
I often hear people say: you can’t give love if you’ve never received love. I used to believe that were true. When I became a mother for the first time over two decades ago I found myself emulating some of my mother’s bad behaviors with my then 8-year-old son… yelling, screaming and hitting. I became aware of my mistake and ignorance when my child started to pull away from me. He’d stay in his room, lost in his books and would avoid me at all cost. The same exact things I did back when I used to hate my life and my mother. It then dawned on me that my only son probably hated me too. The thought of my child feeling hatred instead of love at such a young age broke my heart. I loved him with every fiber of my being, and yet my actions were showing him otherwise.
“Hurt people hurt people.” This old adage is sad but very true. My mother mistreated me and hurt me because she was hurt by my grandmother. I still remember an episode where my grandmother came into our house in the presence of my dad and beat my mother (a thirty something year old married woman) with a big old stick. I was 9 years old. It was hilarious but also very disturbing to watch. Some might argue it’s a cultural thing, but this is another topic for another post. The take away here is that hurting used to be a vicious cycle in my family, up until the day my sister Rachel and I had a serious talk and decided we would help and support each other in making sure we do not do to our children what our parents did to us.
… And thus began the hard work of breaking the cycle by changing yelling to simply communicating, screaming to simply taking time to calm down and process situations before addressing them, and finally replacing hitting with timeouts and non-physical disciplines like ‘no reading for fun’ in my son’s case. I also made it a point to not just provide for my son but to also be available to him, to hang out with him, listen to him, kiss him more, hug him more, and most importantly tell him how much I love him every chance I get. In the process I’ve also learned to forgive my mother and to treat myself with love and kindness, the opposite of how she treated me.
I admit it’s not an easy undertaken and it takes some serious reprogramming, but if we give it a real try what’s broken can be mended. We always have a choice how we treat others and how we show ourselves to the people in our lives and to the world. Instead of emulating bad and negative habits that were forced upon us, we can take steps that are good and positive and spread light of understanding, acceptance and love instead… And what better way to start than to learn to love the people in our lives?
Love,
Carli🇭🇹
7 Responses
I took all my time to read your biography because it is the reality of the majority of young Haitians of that time. I would say as a Haitian it was a generational problem, It’s sad But on the other hand you have to draw two things from it, firstly it’s very difficult to give or pass on to others what you don’t have but not impossible , the second thing is that our mission on this earth is to straighten out or use our bad experience to make the experience of others better through our action. Have no illusions my dear, Your life was strongly and well PREDESTINATED so that you would be the loving, warm person, and intelligent and exemplary mother. Knowing you, I thank heaven that you were able to break this traumatic chain by knowing how to give your son all the love he needs for his development in his life instead of letting him find it on his own, who knows. Look at you now by the grace of the great architect of the universe you are despite all these things a very rare pearl, that everyone should dream of having in life. Know my beautiful everything has been planned for you to be who you are today. Thank you for sharing wuth us this experience, I find myself very close to it and you really have courage. May happiness and love accompany you throughout your path for the rest of your life.
Hello Paul,
I appreciate your comment and especially your kind and encouraging words. Thank you! And I agree it’s very difficult to pass onto others what we never had (love)… but it’s not impossible. I thought it was necessary to put my story out there to let others who had that very same experience know they aren’t alone and they too can break the hurt cycle. There’s still a lot to be done but I think many of us have seen the light now and we’re trying to do better and be better for the happiness and growth of our babies.
Xo,
Carli
Wow this hit home with me… (no pun intended) but Caribbean parents are now changing the narrative on how to discipline their children. Unfortunately, we still have a long way to go but I’m very happy we have started the journey to a breakthrough. I grew up not hearing the words I love you from my mother or even getting hugs and a touch most time was never gentle. This brings me back to the first time I remember my mom calling me stupid, I was five (5) years old and my foot had gotten caught in her bicycle spokes and because I was so afraid to speak to her I said nothing, when she realized what had happened… the reason why we were moving slow, she shouted at me and said ” this stupid girl”. I knew I never wanted to raise my children with violence and it hurts me more to have to discipline them, than they actually understands, so I only go for none physical discipline and softer tones.
Thank you for sharing Carli. I hope your stories continue to touch others the way it has touched me.
Hi Nakasey,
Thank you for your comment and yes I agree there has been a shift in the way Caribbean parents are now raising their children. It’s just unfortunate that too many of us have to live with these painful memories. But yes the silver lining here is that future generations will not have to go through what we went through. There’s still a lot of work to be done as I am sure it’s still happening but that’s how progress work… one step at a time.
Xo,
Carli
It takes courage to tell your personal story to inspire others. I congratulate you.
Mathias Pierre
Thank you 🙏🏾. Sharing is caring and if I can inspire one person in the process… even better :$
I took all my time to read your biography because it is the reality of the majority of young Haitians of that time. I would say as a Haitian it was a generational problem, It’s sad But on the other hand you have to draw two things from it, firstly it’s very difficult to give or pass on to others what you don’t have but not impossible , the second thing is that our mission on this earth is to straighten out or use our bad experience to make the experience of others better through our action. Have no illusions my dear, Your life was strongly and well PREDESTINATED so that you would be the loving, warm person, an intelligent and exemplary mother. Knowing you, I thank heaven that you were able to break this traumatic chain by knowing how to give your son all the love he needs for his development in his life instead of letting him find it on his own, who knows. Look at you now by the grace of the great architect of the universe you are despite all these things a very rare pearl, that everyone should dream of having in life. Know my beautiful everything has been planned for you to be who you are today. Thank you for sharing wuth us this experience, I find myself very close to it and you really have courage. May happiness and love accompany you throughout your path for the rest of your life.